So... If you're going to nip out for half hour to grab your Christmas presents that you've reserved (to save time), make sure that you hide all of the colouring pens before you leave.
I made my reservations online, we waited until evening so it would be quiet and we could be even quicker. The Mister even waited in the car. I dashed into the shop, grabbed everything I needed and we dropped it off at the in-laws before heading home.
Walking back out to the car, my phone dings. I am greeted with this.
I immediately call teen and ask (a) what on Earth has happened, and (b) why is E crying?
Through hysterical laughter, teen tells me that E has drawn on her own face and that she is crying because she doesn't want A to clean it off, due to her irrational fear of flannels. Not joking.
About 10 minutes later when I get in the door, I finished off scrubbing E's face and asked her why she had done it (because she has never done anything like that before, the others all did but E is far too sensible for that sort of thing, she's secretly 40 years old I think), and this is what happened next -
E: "L telled me to draw a mussmash"
He told you to draw a what?
E: "Yes, moustache. On my face"
(to L) Did you tell your sister to draw a moustache on her face?
L: (smirks, tries not to, fails miserably) "Yes"
Why did you do that? She's three, she'll do anything you tell her to!
L: (considers this, face lights up) "What, like a servant?!"
(realising where this is going) No! Not like a servant!
L: (ponders) "So... Like a monkey?"
Lord, give me strength. And if you can't give me strength... Give me gin.