There. I said it.
I genuinely don't have a clue what I am doing. Some mornings I wake up and it takes me a few moments to gather my thoughts. Things like, what day is it? How old am I? Do I have to get up yet? Why isn't this Bora Bora? run through my head before they eventually settle in to things I am meant to know and remember and do.
I get up, I feed/wash/dress/nag/hurry-up the kids to their various schools and nursery. I bicker with the Mister (who is the most miserable person on the planet in the mornings, aside from L). I make lunches, I make sure they all have clean clothes and are presentable and fresh for school, I help them with their homework (where I can... Really, I mean - SURDS? More like WTFs) & make sure everything they need is in their bag.
I will forget something, I always do.
It's like running on autopilot, doing all the things I know I have to do and that are expected of me as a mother. That's the easy bit. Then, sometimes, 'shit happens'. Things have seemed particularly difficult with the boys at times lately, there are lots of changes happening in their lives, at school, growing up, the joys that teens and tweens bring. Then I have to speak to the Mister, we have to deal with whatever has occurred. A missed homework. A detention. A refusal to take part in or do something.
I don't know what I am doing. I'm winging it. I ask for advice from some dear ladies who have shared various pregnancies with me over the years. I speak to the kid that is currently giving me grief (they take it in turns). I speak to the Mister. I speak to my best friends. I speak to the school.
I google it.
Between us all, we fumble our way through it, we figure it out, and we do what we think is best. So far so good, it seems to be working. The kids are good (mostly) and learning well (mostly) and growing (too much, and too fast - seriously my grocery bill is ridiculous), and we are making it through this jungle of teen-&-tweenage uncertainty the best we can. This is hard. This is scary. This is stressful.
I have no idea what I'm doing.
Kids don't come with manuals. I always second guess myself. It sometimes feels like I am doing everything wrong. I'm just doing my best and hoping that it is good enough, because this is all I can do.
But so far, so good.